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Written By: Connor Bizal If you know me, you know how much I love to have fun and bring positivity to every situation I find myself in. I have been told I smile too much and I can be found laughing too hard at the most minor things. When you see me at face value, you would assume I live a fairly easy and pleasant life. Currently, you would be right! However, things have not always been this way. I was blessed with the opportunity to write about my mental illness experiences for a blog called Athletes Helping Athletes. This process allowed me to reflect on my past and detail it in the best way possible. AHA is a tremendous resource for those who may feel they are alone or need to know that things do get better, so I highly recommend checking out their website and following them on social media! I wrote the article in hopes of shining a light on mental illness and inspiring those who may be fighting their own battles. Below you will find my toughest fight... It hits hard—harder than you could ever imagine. It hits quick—you never see it coming. It hits relentlessly—it makes you feel like you may never get back up. One may believe I am talking about something along the lines of the physical game of hockey. However, it is something which can be found inside of anyone. Depression.
My name is Connor Bizal, but many people call me “Biz”. I have played hockey nearly my entire life. I am from Elk River, Minnesota—where we are taught to eat, sleep, and breathe hockey. I come from a hockey family. My father and his brother played college hockey at St. Cloud State University, my cousin played women’s hockey at Boston College, her sister was committed to play at University of Minnesota-Duluth, but retired due to concussions, and my twin sister currently plays at Ohio State. I did not make the top youth team in my town until I was in middle school. I grew much earlier than my peers, so I had a physical advantage until I was a sophomore in high school. I played other sports growing up and throughout high school, but I always knew hockey was the one I would drop everything for. I loved hockey and was very passionate about it. I would have never guessed it would be the game that introduced me to my worst enemy. In Minnesota, you usually do not play high school hockey until you are a sophomore, unless you are Division 1/NHL-bound. By the time I was set to play high school, I had made a pretty good name for myself. I was coming off of a season where I had over 100 points and had established myself as one of the top players state-wide in my class. I made varsity as a sophomore, which was a huge accomplishment in my mind. I was on a team full of future Division 1 players and NHL draft picks. There is nothing to complain about, right? Wrong. I was in a limited role and had a hard time producing offense. It got to a point where my coach would have me play a period of JV in some games, so I could get my confidence up. Needless to say, it did not work. My confidence was at an all-time low and I was not really sure how to get it back up. Outside of hockey, I was transitioning out of a friend group I was a part of for so many years. It felt as though nothing was going right for me in all areas of my life. This was when I knew I had depression. All of the symptoms involved with depression fit me to a T—feeling grey all the time, social withdrawal, lack of concentration, irritability, uncontrolled crying, etc. Keep in mind, mental illness was talked about way less during this time compared to now. I thought I was going to be deemed as weak if I sought help, so I regretfully tried to fight it on my own. It does not help that I was born half-deaf, as deaf people are more susceptible to mental illness. I feel so bad for my family because, looking back at it, I treated them horribly during this time. I would lash out at them for no reason whatsoever. My mother worried about me the most and I could tell it was killing her how I had changed internally. All she wanted to do was help me. In the end, I finished the season with a disappointing 6 points, which was a complete failure in my book. The more I did not take care of my mental health, the more my hockey performance diminished as well. I ended up joining a new friend group, which ultimately brought happiness back into my life and restored my motivation for hockey. Fast forward three years later. I was approaching my first year of junior hockey. My junior season of high school was much better, as I had nearly 7x more points than the previous year. Senior year, I was a captain, received interest from Division 1 schools, and had exactly the year I wanted to have. My mental state could not have been in a better spot. I signed with a team in the NAHL for my rookie year, and was so excited to begin my junior hockey career. I ended up not making the team I signed with and had to scramble to join a team in New Jersey I had never heard of before. I had a very mixed experience with this team. I had an amazing billet family, who distracted me from the fact my real family was over 1000 miles away. My hockey experience was so-so, as I ended up playing for two teams in the same organization. However, I was fine with what happened, as I knew it was only my rookie year and I had a lot of motivation for the following season. I was still hanging in there mentally. Here we are at last season. This is the year I would say defines my life the most. The off-season after my rookie year, I trained like a maniac. I worked on everything I was told I needed to work on from my previous coaches, got my nutrition to an elite level, and felt balanced in all areas of my life. I unfortunately made the mistake of going to 5 junior camps that summer. I felt I was ready to advance through the ranks of junior hockey, but the hockey gods had other plans for me. I got cut from every team I tried out for. Each time I got cut, the more pain and disappointment I felt. Before that summer, I had a 3-year relationship with a girl that ended unexpectedly. It was the most sad I had been since my first battle with depression. However, I figured I now had more time to focus on hockey and would put my energy towards training/preparing for camps. I would feel very sad and depressed during my workouts, but I tried my best to shake it off and keep moving. The more I tried to fight my off-ice battles on my own, the worse I was at taking care of my on-ice battles. It was as though I had not learned anything from my previous bout with depression. What do they say about the snowball effect? Needless to say, my summer was miserable. I landed on a team in Boston, where I was hoping to get called up as soon as possible. Our team lived in apartments with each other, which was a lot of fun and livened my spirits a little bit. However, my depression did not go away. I would stay and workout at the rink for 7 hours every day, in hopes it would distract me from what was going on away from the rink. I was staying busy, but for the wrong reasons. It was as though I was trying to hide and run away from the sadness I felt at home. Once I would get back from the rink, it was back to my sad, grey, depressed self. I did a good job of hiding it and not letting anyone in on it. The strangest part was I was having a fantastic season. I realized I was right where I belonged and I was very happy being on my team. This was also the most dangerous part, as I thought since I was having a great season I did not need to seek help. I went home for Christmas that year and this is when I was at my worst. I was beyond miserable and felt stuck without a solution. I would not wish what I was going through upon my worst enemy. I was in a battle with myself and felt tortured. I remember sitting in the room I grew up in at home and finally telling myself I could not live this way. I had been working with a sports psychologist for over a year at this point, but I did not utilize him until then, which I regret greatly. As I said, I let hockey overshadow everything I was feeling internally. Eventually, my sports psychologist and I worked our way through everything and I felt much better. I flew back out to Boston after the New Year and I magically felt like a whole new person. It was as though the weight I had been carrying around had been lifted off of me. To this day, I still do not know how to fully explain it. Since then, I have been the happiest guy you will meet. I have come to terms with and embraced everything I have endured. I believe all the hardships contributed to me becoming the man I am today. In all honesty, I am glad it all happened the way it did. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Should I have taken better approaches to everything? Without a doubt. However, it is all a part of my story and has allowed me to grow as a person. I now carry so much wisdom, maturity, faith, and positivity with me. Everything I have been through has inspired me to help, serve, and motivate others. This is why a teammate of mine and I just created a mental health mentorship program for high school and junior hockey players. It is called the Fellowship of Hockey Advancement. It is free and is there for people to use as a resource whenever they need it. We are trying to create a resource we wish we had when we were going through those phases of our lives. I hope people take advantage of it and get things off their mind, unlike myself when I went through my adversities. I am thankful for the people and the support group I have in my life. I now see so much joy in this world, I love life, and I never lose sight of my purpose. If you are not feeling like yourself, please seek help. There are so many great resources out there to help people with mental illness. You do not have to sit in the darkness, especially not alone. I am thankful society is shining a brighter light on mental illness. However, we still have a long way to go. We can all come together and stop the ultimate enemy, all we have to do is speak up. Biz https://www.ahamentalhealthblog.com/post/connor-bizal-ice-hockey-player-from-elk-river-minnesota https://www.ahamentalhealthblog.com/
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Jill Hatfield
6/8/2021 07:15:12 pm
Saw the piece on WCCO in Minneapolis this week and shared your stories with my 17 year old hockey playing son who has been struggling with depression this year - he is seeing a psychologist and is open to seeking support. Commend you both for what you are doing.....mental health is still an uncomfortable topic for so many.
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